Musings

My India

2009-01-28T20:48:00.000-08:00

For many years I've made important decisions in my life with a single aim in mind - to get out of India. While many have turned their noses up at me, judging me as they support me, others have vociferously stood up for their country. I've faced criticism and am often called a traitor. But when the reason behind my actions are finally questioned, friends and family have invariably taken a step back and agreed with me.

Let me begin by saying that I am, and will always be, an Indian. I am proud to say so and I do my part as a citizen of a country I love. I follow rules, I do not break the law, I exercise my right to vote, I encourage friends abroad to visit and see what the country has to offer. I was born and brought up here and India is ingrained in me. The country is perfect, but the people are not. Civic sense is unknown and if I begin to pick on each and every offence that I see committed in a single day here, I could go on for pages.

Politicians are the self proclaimed moral police in this country. Their vote bank lies in the rural masses. Urban India is a small proportion of their votes and they preach conservativeness. An uproar in the media and in big cities is fleeting. Tomorrow everything is forgotten and the same people who encourage molestation of women are at the seat of power.

How, then, can a woman feel free in this country? Can she walk down a busy street and not have a man sing vulgar songs at her as she passes by? Can she dress as she would feel comfortable? Even a pair of jeans and a sleeveless t-shirt is enough to draw stares. I've been eve teased in a crowded DTC bus in a modest salwar kameez. I'm often told that Delhi is an unsafe city for women and Mumbai is the place to be. I beg to differ. In the 7 months I spent in Mumbai I was harrassed on several occassions - in the Mumbai local train, walking in Churchgate station, sitting in an auto rickshaw in Malad, walking on Marine Drive. My younger sister visited me for 10 days and was a victim too.

Why should I want to live in a country where the people are not proud of who they are? Can you respect a woman as an equal, someone who has the right to do as she pleases? Can you refrain from crossing the yellow line on the road when stuck in heavy traffic? If you break a rule and are caught, do you have the guts to accept your mistake and pay your dues or would you prefer to slink away with a bribe? Give me a reason to live in a country where I fear rape, physical assault and criticism if I choose to walk into a pub in a pair of shorts and order myself a Cosmopolitan?

And If That Wasn't Enough

2008-08-18T03:18:00.000-07:00

As if things couldn't get any sleepier, we unanimously decided not to take a snorkeling/diving/island/boat tour then next day. The sea was too choppy for our liking and we didn't want get lost at sea or have our tour called off mid-way. Instead, we set off for Railay beach. What fascinated us about this place was that several travelers had recommended this beach over Ao Nang. Railay is a beach accessible only by long tail boat from certain piers along the Krabi coastline. Motorboats do ply, but it's no fun if you don't do it the proper way - the way the locals do it. Unfortunately, due to the weather and the high tide, boats were not leaving from the 2 piers at Ao Nang beach. SO and I had to catch a Songthaew (a tuk-tuk made by fitting a contraption with seats onto a scooty) to the nearest pier at Ao Nam Mao. We had to wade through knee-deep water to get to the boat, had to somehow manage to jump into the rickety thing and found ourselves a seat. 60 baht for a one-way trip was a little steep for our liking, but we were not about to turn away.

The boat-ride was bumpy, and thankfully neither of us got sea-sick. Half an hour later, we were jumping into knee-deep water again, thanking our stars that we'd had the presence of mind to wear shorts. We were the only tourists on the boat, and by the time we managed to wade to solid ground, there was noone in sight. Was this the Railay everyone had raved about? The clouds decided to give way to the sun and we were burning, literally. I had forgotten to use sunscreen and had forgotten to carry it with me as well. Succumbing to the heat we fell into a shack where we ordered cold coffee. Referring to our Lonely Planet, we got our bearings and found out that we were on the wrong side of the island. A short walk through a couple of resorts and we were at the other side. It boasted of a short expanse of beach sans hawkers, beach chairs, and people. It was unbelievable. We had stumbled upon the perfect uninhabited beach that we imagined shipwrecks to lead you to. But then again, such serenity and isolation is not appeciated for long if you're not carrying food with you. 100 meters from the water was a restaurant that seemed to be the only one around. That was the centre of all action and, as we sat down for a quick bite, we grabbed the last available table. So that's where everyone had been hiding!

After lunch we walked a little further to find a second-hand bookstore and mountaineering guides. Railay is known for its rock formations which are conducive to climbing. Neither SO nor I are of the climbing sort, so we passed on that and took the marginally longer walk back to catch a boat back to Ao Nam Mao. We avoided falling prey to the offers made by the self-proclaimed boat organizers. With no boat in site, they offered to charter one specially for us at an exhorbitant price of 1000 baht. They tried to scare us by saying that that would be the only way off the island for us. We ignored them, and sure enough, half an hour later we were on our way back in a normal boat alongside the locals. The taxi ride back to Ao Nang was done in silence as it sunk in that our Krabi sojourn was almost over. As we walked to one end of Ao Nang beach, I urged SO to explore the extension of the beach that was a part of a resort. Stepping into the area we were pleasantly surprised to find that that too was a part of the public beach. Elderly ladies thronged us with rate cards in their hands for Thai massages. We randomly picked a lady, haggled with her, came to a price acceptable by both parties and followed her as she hurried past the others.

We crossed a boat turned into a bar - The Last Fisherman, both of us making a mental note to catch a drink there later. The massage parlour (!) was an open air contraption with 4 matresses laid out side-by-side. We were greeted with pineapple, part of the staple diet in Thailand and made to wait until a group of 4 Japanese tourists were being massaged. When our turn came, I looked out at the adjoining sea and wondered if there ever was a place as perfect as this. The massage was soothing to my aching limbs from the day before spent climbing Wat Tham Suea, and the sea breeze and gritty sand in my teeth made it all the more authentic thai. In a state of delirium, we made our way to the Last Fisherman. It began to pour when we had hardly downed our first drink. We moved from the beach to the bar, which had been carved out of an actual boat. What started out as a drink each turned into many and we drowned our departure sorrows in the best watering hole we had ever been to. We booked a cab on the way back to the hotel as the bus service started too late for us to be able to catch our morning flight to Bangkok. We packed our bags in silence and SO looked forward to his last breakfast buffet at the Krabi resort.

We rose extra early the next morning because of a combination of my paranoia about missing our flight and SO's excitement over breakfast. We stuffed our faces right at a table a few feet away from the sea and counted down to our flight time.

Long Overdue

2008-08-18T02:01:00.000-07:00

Coming back to the Krabi travelogue of sorts, I will now try my best to recount the most memorable parts of the trip.

As already mentioned, we were very worried about the budget that we had set for ourselves. SO's elaborate excel spreads had come in handy while booking hotels and planning hypothetical food expenditure. I had read about a bus service to key locations in Krabi, including Ao Nang beach where we were staying. However, all internet resources that pointed to this had clearly mentioned that this was more of a peak season affair (roundabout October - January). We'd mentally prepared ourselves for a 700 baht taxi ride to our hotel and had pretty much come to terms with it. But a brilliant sight welcomed us as we walked out through customs at Krabi airport. Not only was the airport bus service available, but it would cost us only a fraction of the cab. 150 baht per person, and the bus dropped us right outside our hotel at one end of Ao Nang - Krabi Resort!

Now, at the time of reservation, we weren't sure whether we had booked a sea-view room or not. Internet reservations are always vague and I'm usually happy just to get a confirmed room. We'd booked a Deluxe cottage at Krabi resort, later realizing that there was another lot which were the Deluxe Sea View ones. On check-in, we tried our luck with the seaview request and got a pleasant surprise. Although the rows of seaview cottages were fully booked, they had one suite-like cottage left which had a partial seaview. We grabbed it, at no extra cost! The room was breathtaking, the view even better. With a comfortable living room and a huge bathroom (shower and bath-tub separate), only the view was able to lure us out. 10 meters and we were at the beach. Slippers in our hands, we went for a walk along the water towards main Ao Nang. The walk was shorter than we expected. Having seen the beach area of Pattaya and Patong beach in Phuket, Ao Nang was nowhere close. A handful of shops, restaurants and tour operators were scattered around. I don't recall seeing any people, not even tourists.

After freshening up, we realized that the long plane journey had left us famished. We grabbed a quick bite at Black Canyon Coffee, waited for the sudden downpour to subside and took a stroll. Although it was the middle of the afternoon, there was not a single shop or restaurant that looked open for business. Coming from overcrowded and busy India, Krabi was the sleepy town that was restricted to the books we read. The tranquility was unimaginable. SO and I sat on benches where the waves broke and were so taken in by the view that it was a while before either of us suggested that we explore the area a little more and decide on our POA for the following day. Exhausted from the late night flight and hardly any sleep, we called it a night rather early, just so that we could be fresh for the next day. We were renting a bike!

Well, the bike rental was not a motorcycle, but pretty much a scooty. 250 baht, and it was well worth its while. We managed to convince the tour agent to keep my Indian driving license in place of either of our passports and we were off. We'd read about a temple on a hill about an hour away from Ao Nang, so we set out as explorers. The map we had was a basic tourist one and I tried my best to play navigator while riding pillion. As is normal with coastal weather, we got caught in more than our fair share of sudden rain, but thoroughly enjoyed every second of it. We stopped at an insignificant temple in the middle of nowhere, just because we stumbled upon it. A reclining buddha temple is always welcome in Thailand! It felt like a build up to the actual thing we were in pursuit of. As we approached Krabi town, our halfway mark, hunger pangs got the better of us and we stopped at a roadside shack for lunch. Other than Tom Yum soup, rice and coke, we really have no idea what else we ordered. We pointed at pictures of food in a Menu written in Thai and we were not disappointed.

We set off again, braving the rain to get to Wat Tham Suea. The temple complex was huge. We hung around for a bit, trying to find our way around and were pretty disappointed because we were looking for the 1237 steps to the top of a hill. While the hill was clearly in front of us, the steps could not be found. We finally asked a monk to direct us and he escorted us to the foot of the staircase hidden behind foliage. And so began our arduous climb towards the top. The first 200 steps were fine, the next 200 too. But as we approached 500, we got the feeling that we may have bitten off more than we could chew. A couple of people passed us on their way down, and I could have sworn I saw smirks on their faces. We considered calling it quits, but our egos got the better of us. It began to rain, again! The steps were oddly shaped, sometimes huge and sometimes barely wide enough for us to place our toes. There was moss growing over everything, which meant we had to be extra cautious. While all this was bearable, my worst nightmare was about to come true - an army of monkeys, in all shapes and sizes. I couldn't run. I couldn't shout. I couldn't hold anyone's hand. I held my breath (honestly) as I climbed my way past them. I know for sure that they were laughing at us heaving our way up while they jumped around so effortlessly.

The euphoric feeling of having reached the top is inexplicable. A couple of monks were there to greet us and they offered us water. The view was breathtaking. We could see the entire valley leading up to the sea on one side and a dense forest on the other. And the highlight of it all was the imposing golden statue of Buddha in a meditating position. Once up there, we didn't want to climb back down. Finally, we reluctantly began our descent because we had to get back to the hotel before it got dark and we needed a fresh set of clothes to avoid catching a chill. Of course, the monkeys were there to greet us, but this time I felt no fear. My calves were giving way, but I'd braved the 1237 steps to the top. Of course, I smirked at the couple on their way up!

Secrets

2008-07-10T21:18:00.000-07:00

People
Have faces
They choose to hide.
Places
Have memories
That people choose to hide.
Darkness
Illuminates
The secrets
We hide.

Paradise on Earth?

2008-06-10T00:02:00.000-07:00

(continued from "Holiday! Celebrate!")

Or so it seemed to my SO* and me. But not before an eventful (?) flight. Drumroll please.

My vacation begins as soon as I step out of the airport lounge and into the aircraft. For that very reason, I fought hard and long against SO to convince him to pay a little more in order to fly by Thailand's national airline. I secretly also wanted to collect frequent flyer miles on the Star Alliance network! I looked around the familiar interior of the aircraft and wondered in amazement how much at home I felt even though I absolutely hate flights. As I mentally geared myself for take-off (I hyperventilate until the aircraft reaches its crusing height and the seatbelt sign is switched off) and the plane began to taxi, the GPS map on the cabin TV screen was replaced by a live camera strategically placed on the window of the cockpit. Was this some sort of a practical joke? Why would I want to see what the pilots are seeing as we take off? But it was an option between looking outside the window or at the screen and the view was pretty fascinating. It was a matter of a couple of seconds before I chose to see the runway melt into the nightsky instead of strain my neck to see New Delhi at night (SO was at the window-seat).

Unfortunately, my post-ascent composure was shortlived. Flying over Calcutta has never been pleasant, but what lay ahead this time was the after-effect of Cyclone Nargis. Not much of a story to tell, other than the constant switching on-and-off of the seatbelt sign by the captain and the relentless turbulence that continued until we reached Bangkok. However, for me this was unbearable and I was so terrified that I neither managed to catch some sleep, nor did I watch the in-flight movie. What resulted was grogginess, bleary eyes and a heavy head. I thanked my lucky stars for the good food on the flight. I'm serious. The salad was bearable, but the Masaman Chicken Curry with Rice gave SO a flavour of what lay ahead for the coming week in terms of food. Of course, the real thing was going to knock his socks off!

4 hours later and a very sulky me emerged from the aircraft at Bangkok's Suvarnabhumi airport. SO had slept for most of the flight, waking up in between for a few minutes to hold my hand during turbulence. All sulking was lost at the familiar site of the sprawling airport, its moving walkways and the heavenly duty-free shops. I thanked my stars that we had made the decision of getting a visa from Delhi itself. There was no way of managing visa-on-arrival, immigration, baggage collection (you cannot book baggage through if you don't have a visa on check-in) and check-in for the flight to Krabi in the mere 2 hours between flights. So we strolled around the airport while I mentally ticked off things on my shopping list and urged SO to remember prices for me to compare later.

The flight to Krabi was uneventful and I was thrilled about it, mostly because I could then spend my time fretting about how we were going to get to the hotel from the airport. I was being damn stingy, considering it was the 1st time I was funding my holiday myself. SO, of course, slept. Until we landed at Krabi airport. All exhaustion had disappeared and SO, surprisingly, wasn't sleepy anymore!

*SO = Significant Other

Choices, Life, Destiny

2008-06-01T22:30:00.000-07:00

I'm someone who believes in God on and off. But I do believe in a higher force that keeps this whole world together. Call me old-fashioned, but I find comfort in believing that someone or something knows exactly what is going on in each of our lives. And that same force has a plan for all of us.

A recent event regarding a friend has made me think more about this belief. Ending a chapter of his life, to start a new and exciting one. How was anyone to know that the earlier chapter would be his last? Was it never meant to be? Had he chosen to stay on, would things be different?

Is there more to it than life just pushing us in a certain direction? Perhaps this is a test. A test where you're required to choose at certain points in time. If you make the right choice, all's well. If you choose wrong, there's no telling what might happen. You may be unhappy, ending up regretting the choices you made. Or life may decide not to allow you to make any choices anymore. How many times are we allowed to make the wrong choice? Is it the same for everyone? Have I run out of my allowed number? What will happen the next time I am at a crossroad? Wait! I AM at a crossroad and am trembling as I make my decision. Will this be my last?

All said and done, none of us have any idea about the tapestry that is our lives. A new weave takes place and the pattern changes with every chapter, every decision. I just hope that everyone's tapestry is completed when they leave.

Rest in peace, my dear friend.

Vacation Aside

2008-05-27T02:21:00.000-07:00

"You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don't think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully."

- Anthony Robbins

Holiday! Celebrate!

2008-05-23T21:28:00.000-07:00

Taking some advice from Madonna, we headed out for a mini-vacation 2 weeks ago. It took a good month of planning and waiting till we were finally off to our "break-from-it-all". Worried that the immaculate planning and budget control would get the better of us and we would come back disappointed, we were apprehensive as we got into our taxis to head to the airport.

And as luck would have it, the worst of Delhi hit me 10 minutes after I left home. All alone in a taxi called for from the local taxi-stand, it seemed safe enough to make it to the airport. When you're set to take one of the busiest roads in the capital, there is hardly a worry in the world. As I mentally ticked off things on my packing list (even though I had checked and rechecked my bags numerous times over the previous week), I was presented with a traffic jam that would have clearly taken an hour to get through, optimistically talking. The driver suggested we take a detour through a very famous engineering college close by and I agreed. What I didn't realise was how large the campus actually was. While finding our way out (and the cabbie insisted that he knew the way), we reached a dead-end in a deserted area with nothing but a dirt road to turn back on. Frantically, I called up my significant other (SO) to feel safe and hyperventilated until we reached civilization again. I finally made it to the airport on time with a little less than 3 hours to spare until the flight left. SO was worried about not reaching on time!

Check-in, immigration, security check was smooth but not without the hordes of Indian tour groups littered outside the airport. Like lost sheep, they had no clue where to go, waiting for their tour guides to assist them and in the bargain ruining it for individual travellers like us by blocking all possible doors to the airport. I hope that after the Delhi airport renovation is complete there will be more order than chaos. Dinner was a non-event as the trusty Subway outlet inside the airport had disappeared and we had to make do with trashy snacks from the airport-owned vendor which left us with full but disappointed tummies. The duty-free shop had been reduced to the size of 2 toilet cubicles with a aisle space only for a size zero (whether I managed to squeeze my way through is something never to be mentioned!). I think I caught a glimpse of the shop attendants peeking out from behind the tiny cash counter waiting for someone to knock a bottle over so that they at lease made a sale. We fled before anything disastrous would happen (getting stuck in the aisle is counted).

As we emerged on the other side of security check we realized that all the action had been there. Restaurants galore and a small but better version of the Duty-free changed my initial view of the really boring security check area. Earlier it was a place where one was trapped and could only escape when it was time to board a flight. The pre-security check but post-immigration area was meant to be the fun part and I have spent many outbound journeys maximizing my time outside before moving to the next stage.

Considering the fact that the Delhi airport was far from exciting, we were literally shaking with excitement when they announced boarding for our flight. Actually, SO was shaking with excitement while mine was more of a nervous shiver.

What's Missing?

2008-05-06T04:46:00.000-07:00

4 days left until I leave for my long awaited vacation. It's been a tedious countdown to D-day, but it's been totally worth it. The effort that has gone into the planning and decision-making has been unimaginable. I hope everything turns out well. I can't wait for the satisfaction to set in as I walk out onto the sunny (but not scorching) beach and head towards a lounger with a book in my hand.

Books...aaah! I thought I'd left them behind when I returned to Delhi. Mumbai had given me the perfect opportunity to catch up on my reading. The Mumbai local trains may have been a nightmare, but on days that I was lucky enough to get a seat, I managed an hour of reading one-way. 3 months into Delhi and I realized that I had barely read 3 chapters of a book that had been pending since Mumbai. Determined to get back on track, I visited my favourite hole-in-the-wall bookshop to give me a jolt of what I was missing out on. Mission accomplished and I'm back in the saddle!

But the real problem has now arisen. What book do I take with me on vacation? If I can see myself sitting on the beach reading a book, the problem is that I don't know which book it is. A discussion with Doodle has not resolved my problem and we continue to debate it as I type out this post. Bridget Jones would have been the best companion, but alas, I have already been down that road. No amount of searches online have come up with a decent solution. I have 4 days left, and my packing list is still incomplete. I'm still searching for the perfect book.

The Hiatus is Over!

2008-04-14T22:10:00.000-07:00

After a 5-month long absence from my beloved blog, I'm back! Lots has happened in the period in between. I've switched jobs (no more am I employed by the world's local bank!). I'm living the proverbial corporate life. Home to office in the morning, office to the gym in the evening, back home for dinner, bedtime, and the same thing for the rest of the week. Weekends are spent catching up with family and friends. Sunday afternoon brings on the bad mood related to Monday being just round the corner.

But I've found the key to keeping happy. It's working for now. I hope it doesn't fizzle out any time soon. I keep certain dates or activities in mind that are coming up in the near future. My entire energy goes towards planning for and looking forward to that.

To begin with, I have a nice and lazy vacation to look forward to in about 3 weeks. My favourite destination ever - Thailand. I'm surprised the Thai authorities have not gifted me with an honorary visa that never expires. The last couple of times I was in the country for vacation, the immigration officials had a hard time finding my most recent visa. I'm sure I must have been to the place at least 8 times. And I still can't get enough. This time my week-long visit consists of 4 days in Krabi and 3 days in Bangkok. Aaaaaaaaaaaah! I can already feel the sea-breeze and can almost smell the sewers in Bangkok as I start my long countdown to my vacation. It's the first time my significant other and I are venturing out on a nice luxurious holiday together (Europe was different because we pretty much roughed it out there as poor students!).

I'm glad to be back. I have a vacation to look forward to. Lots has changed around me since I last posted an entry (more of all that later). I have a tonne of stuff waiting to happen over the next few months (pretty much what is keeping me going). Life may seem like it's blah right now, but I guess it's up to me to make things happen. Stay tuned!

Thank you, Mumbai!

2007-11-04T20:16:00.000-08:00

For once I am thankful to this city. I still miss Delhi everyday, but thanks to the arduous commute I have recultivated a habit I had lost out on over the last couple of years in B-school - Reading. The one hour train ride between work and home has given me a chance to catch up on my reading. My weekends are spent at bookstores and a substantial portion of my credit card dues are for book purchases. While my mother complains about lack of space to stash my purchases, I can't help but succumb to the smell of a new book. I think it's time for that new set of shelves in my room back home in Delhi!

Life is a Lemon

2007-08-13T02:05:00.000-07:00

And I want my money back!

Oops 'You' Did It Again

2007-07-27T04:53:00.001-07:00

You played with my heart, got lost in the game...

The last time I saw alokgarg43

2007-07-26T21:57:00.001-07:00

Was a couple of days ago when he took me out to dinner at the Taj. Best way to cheer me up after living through hell in Mumbai over the last 2 months. How thoughtful of him. Honestly, this gesture was most unexpected.

Learn more about alokgarg43

Why I want to go to Machu Picchu

2007-07-24T23:19:00.001-07:00

Mmmmmmmmmmm…I love their coffee!

See more progress on: Machu Picchu

Why I want to go to Lapland

2007-07-24T03:39:00.001-07:00

Why wouldn’t I want to go to this place? What isn’t there? Snow, reindeer, the Northern Lights, insane light and dark timings, and of course SANTA CLAUS!!!

See more progress on: Lapland

Why I want to go to Liechtenstein

2007-07-24T03:36:00.001-07:00

Interesting from a philatelist’s point of view, I want to visit tiny Liechenstein and buy stamps and postcards from local post office. I’ll send the postcards and keep the extra stamps. :D

See more progress on: Liechtenstein

The last time I saw Kapitan Niemand

2007-07-24T02:37:00.001-07:00

Was at lunch today at Fountain Sizzlers. Hoping for many more such meetings atleast in the 14 weeks that he’s in Mumbai for. One of the only people in this world that I can be myself with.

Learn more about Kapitan Niemand

What is my true calling?

2007-07-23T02:05:00.000-07:00

I'm already unhappy. Or is it because I'm just so fussy? What I really want to do in life is travel around the world and write about it. When can I? Am I a traveller trapped in a banker's body?

A New Perspective

2007-07-22T23:33:00.000-07:00

Everything that I complained about while being in Delhi I now worship. The annoying traffic jams for no reason (especially the 'gridlocks' that occur out of nowhere), the incessant breaking of traffic rules by everyone, the curfew imposed on me by my folks, the constant involvement of my family in my life, the horrible weather,

In the end, Delhi is where my home is, where my family is, where my special someone is, where my heart will always be. I may be an anomaly of nature, for I am not one who has taken to the cosmopolitan, corporate Mumbai. Friends and family told me I'd love it here. But for me there was nothing here that I didn't have.

Freedom is something many people yearn for. One usually experiences it when they move out of home and move into hostel. But there still lies a protected environment, in whatever small form. Once you begin to work and begin to earn one's keep, financial freedom, is a feeling which is mind-numbing to say the very least. No more scrimping and scrounging on the pocket money which was just never enough. But it goes beyond money too. There is the freedom to be out at whatever time you want to, to eat pizza for dinner every damn day without someone breathing down your neck telling you to eat dal-chawal, to invite any number of friends over whenever you want to, to buy that expensive pair of shoes that you just had to have, to pack your bags and leave on a mini-vacation without giving a thousand explanations and reasons.

But today I realise that what my parents said was so true. There was nothing that I was deprived of. I had all the freedom you could imagine. What restrictions were imposed on me were because they cared. In fact, a small civil discussion with them often ended up with me getting my way, whether it was a late-night curfew or a raise in my allowance.

I don't associate freedom with Mumbai. I associate suffocation. From the tiny roads overflowing with vehicles, to the murky water of the sea, to the travelling in the local trains with barely any space to breathe, to the basic absence of footpaths, to the tiny houses (I mean, apartments!), I fail to see how someone can grow to love this place so much. Either I haven't given myself enough time to like this city, or maybe I just happened to see the negative side of it. Whatever it may be, my home is where my heart will always be.

Making It On My Own

2007-07-22T23:21:00.000-07:00

I relocated to Mumbai 2 months ago. Initially thought to be the best decision I made (primarily career-wise), I am now inclined to think otherwise.

As my emotional highs and lows are more frequent occurrences than before, you can be sure of numerous posts from my end narrating my experiences as I 'struggle' to acclimatise myself to this godforsaken city called Mumbai.

The Best of Times and the Worst of Times

2007-05-10T03:41:00.000-07:00

The 2 and a half months between convocation and joining work can well be a test of your patience. With absolutely nothing to do and no commitments whatsoever, this period is one that is sent from up above. But are we ever satisfied with what we have? The grass is always greener on the other side.

I have been pulling my hair out ever since I got back home from L. The first couple of weeks were refreshing. Waking up late, no reports to write, no exams or quizzes coming up. But I missed the excitement that I had left behind. Everyday was a reminder that my student life is over. Everyone keeps reminding me how this time should be cherished because it will never come back. Why then am I at the end of my road? I have nothing to do. I've met up with friends, have spent time with my family, have watched a zillion movies and tv serials, have caught up on my hobbies (primarily, philately). What now? Was being idle ever a reason to be stressed out?

While I can't wait for work to start, my special someone has already officially joined the rat race. Complaining to each other about our daily boredom, we both thought he was the lucky one to be the first to escape it. A week down the line opinions have changed. I am being advised to make the most of my freedom over the next 2 weeks. And here I was thinking I was going to die because of an empty life.

Reading is one thing, though, that still catches my interest. I have stayed up nights to finish a book. Sometimes, having succumbed to exhaustion (doing nothing the whole day oddly leaves you very tired at night!) I have fallen asleep early only to wake up mid way to get back to my book. What I read varies depending on what I laid eyes on first. As is obvious, I read a variety of literature ranging from intellectual to plain trashy (MBs are a tad too trashy for my liking though). A snapshot of what I've read lately should explain this better.

I haven't read the entire collection yet. Getting used to the 1st book was interesting. But it's a short one, so sailing through it isn't much of a problem. But stopping there leaves you wanting more. Personally, I'm not a fan of science fiction. So I've decided to give a gap between each book of this "trilogy". I'm reading other books in between. So, till now I've completed the 1st two. Can't wait to start on the 3rd.

This one's a laugh. I'm still wondering how the author got away with a book like this. The royal family has been ripped apart in this novel. While a disclaimer in the beginning mentions how the names are "purely coincidental", a few chapters into the book will confirm otherwise. A nice take on England and it's most talked about family. An entertainer on a hot summer day.

This was a very very interesting read. Simple language with large font made it seem like something a primary scholl child would read. The award mentioned on the cover confirmed my doubts. But the author has actually written the book through the eyes of a child siffering from autism. An eye opener, I ended up doing a search on the illness.

Giving, giving, gone...

2007-04-13T06:05:00.000-07:00

How does one "give" in a relationship?

Gripped

2007-03-27T07:47:00.000-07:00

I'm no fancy-shmancy literary critic, but I do know a weak idea when I see one. So I thank god for Dan Brown's addictive style of writing. I cannot bear to put down this book and just HAVE to finish it as soon as I can. Every chapter makes me want to read on further. Sadly, I have a feeling that there is not going to be much in store in the end.

"Act Your Age"

2007-03-27T07:38:00.000-07:00

But what about the child inside me?

What about the part of me that needs reassurance now and then?

What about the little pang of jealousy I can feel sometimes?

What about the need for a warm hug and a kiss from my loved ones once in a while?

What about the anxiety that strikes when something important is on the line?

What about the little bit of stagefright that I feel when I have an important presentation to make?

What about my dad still calling me his "baby"?

What about how I act when I'm with "you"? Someone I am comfortable being with no matter how I feel everyday.

Irony

2007-03-22T01:14:00.000-07:00

I just glanced at the back cover of 'The Wish List'. The tag line reads 'Who says a modern girl can't believe in fairytales?'. :O The universe is mocking me!

(refer to my previous posts)

Tormented by bad chick-lit

2007-03-21T11:07:00.000-07:00

Oh my god! This book is becoming torturous to complete. I do like my share of chick lit once in a while. But this one takes the cake. 3 women living almost 'Sex and the City' style, based in Australia. And it is written as though a 12 year girl would write a romance novel about the cute boy she has a crush on. Does it get any worse?

Fairytales

2007-03-21T11:00:00.001-07:00

One of the most depressing things in life is learning that nothing around you turns out to be a fairytale. Families aren’t perfect, friends aren’t perfect. We usually, then, tend to focus on what we feel we have more control on – our careers. When we face hurdles there, the fairytale comes to an abrupt end again. But the one thing that hurts most is relationships.

Call me a hopeless romantic, but isn’t love supposed to be like it is in the books and movies? Fine! I know I’m in dreamland. But I’ve always had a certain idea of a perfect relationship. Recently I thought I had finally hit the jackpot. By ‘recently’ I mean about a year ago. But as always, things have to go haywire and the good times give way to bad. The fairytale seems to be ending here as well. What else is left to still dream about?

Old Habits Die Hard...This One's 6 Months Old...

2006-07-16T06:59:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the Pakistani band, Jal, for this one. They make awesome music.

Aadat

Na jaane kab se umeedain kuch baaki hain
Mujhe phir bhi teri yaad kyun aati hai
Na jaane kab se

Duur jitna bhi tum mujhse paas tere mein
Ab to aadat si hai mujhko aise jeene mein
Zindagi se koi shikwa bhi nahin hai
Ab to zinda hoon mein iss neelay aasman mein

Chaahat aisi hai yeh teri badti jaaye
Aahat aisi hai yeh teri mujhko sataaye
Yaadein gehri hain itnee dil doob jaaye
Aur aankhon mein yeh ghum num bun jaayein

Ab to aadat si hai mujhko aise jeene mein

Sabhi raatein hain
Sabhi baatein hain
Bhula do unhein
Mitaa do unhein

Ab to aadat si hai mujhko...

Men...

2006-07-11T21:46:00.000-07:00

Can't live with them, can't live without them. However, at the moment I am inclined to wanting to live without them. A couple of events on campus at L have forced me to revisit my feminist days at college.

Fresh out of school, quivering and secretly excited at the thought of all the freedom college life brought to you, 500 girls walked into the red building that would be a second home to us for the following 3 years. The famous "cafe", the lush green lawns, the "ruins", the comfortable common room, and sitting in the "gazebos" in the rain are memories that cannot be erased. On the first day of college, we collected in the "audi" for the orientation speech by our principal. Her long speech was the standardized sermon that all orientations demanded, but one of the sentences she spoke made everyone forget their fears and applaud. She said something to the tune of, "We're not feminists here, we can't be, because we can't deny that we love men!!!" I was home...

5 years later, I doubt I can ever look at a man with respect anymore (barring my father, grandfathers, et al). I cannot comment about men in other countries, but Indian men I can definitely talk about. Brought up in a society where female infanticide and female foeticide are terms used nonchalantly in conversations, it isn’t surprising that men consider themselves to be the superior gender. Nothing in this country points towards putting men and women on the same platform.

Whenever a woman is raped, the first reaction of men is that “she asked for it”. How on earth can a man even think that way? How low can one go to disrespect a woman?

Look at L itself. With the women constituting barely 10% of the population here, it is pretty obvious who wears the pants in this community. While men walk around in shorts and singlets, looking their worst, women are looked down upon for wearing a sleeveless top. I talk from personal experience when I say that I was pulled up for wearing a top that was considered offensive by some. A plain white top which fell off my shoulder showed as much skin as a regular top would. But some men were offended and chose to complain to student authorities and I was told to “dress more tastefully”. Funny though, my opinion was not asked, nor was I asked to explain my situation. The men were considered right. And if you think that was justified, I leave your opinion to yourself. But what baffles me is how that incident warranted a topic of discussion on the social community Orkut portraying me as the most “dirty” woman on campus. Only when it was brought to the notice of a “special someone” the posts were removed.

Rumours galore fly around campus, always about the women here. The new batch has been here all of 2 weeks and there are horrible, false stories about the girls everywhere. Harassment is an understatement here.

“Sour grapes” is the only explanation most of us have for these deprived, low, shallow men. And I hand it to all women, who manage to live through leers, whistles, eve teasing and harassment every single day. With people like this around me, it only goes to prove who the weaker sex is.

The Beatles

2006-07-07T22:08:00.000-07:00

"We Can Work It Out...", because "All You Need Is Love..."

I love you, you know who you are!!!

In The Midst Of All The "Mugging" (Ha!!!)

2006-06-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

Reading this as of now. I have to admit that there's a sea of difference between this and The Inscrutable Americans. I guess Mr. Mathur couldn't recreate his magic in this one.

To He(L)l And Back

2006-06-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

It's scorching! We've all been bad and I'm sure we've sinned. But it feels damn good to be back!

All's Well That Ends Well

2006-06-03T21:52:00.000-07:00

After having raving and ranted about the 2 months I spent at my internship, the one thing I have learnt is to always see the bigger picture. For 2 months I have focused on the negative and that took over my life. In hindsight, I’m satisfied with how things finally shaped up. Surprised? I’ll explain.

As I type this entry, I’m on a plane to Delhi from Mumbai. Sudden travel plans came up 3 days ago when I was asked by the bank to come down to Mumbai to make my final presentation. Humiliation was the first thing that came to my mind. I would be the laughing stock of the bank if they saw what I had been doing for 2 months at their expense. Reluctantly, I sat myself down and began preparing my presentation. At the end of the day I realized that I had learnt a lot in 8 weeks. I won’t bore you with details, but I will tell you that I was proud of the work I had done and the project that I had given shape to, single-handedly if you may. I actually had recommendations to give to the bank and to the panel that would be evaluating my performance. I also had some “live projects” to boast of.

So off I was to Mumbai. The bank booked me onto a great airline which truly gave meaning to “the joy of flying”. I left in the middle of the afternoon straight from the office, corporate style!!! The flight was delayed, but I’m not really complaining. In the airport lounge I saw news reports on the television about a downpour in Mumbai and hoped that all would be well weather-wise. I do not have a fear of flying (was too lazy to look up the phobia for that!), but I hate turbulence. I spoke to a friend in Mumbai at that point in time and was thrilled to hear that the rain had stopped. Happily, I boarded my flight, convincing myself that the delay was a good thing. After getting into the aircraft and hearing the announcement of the clearance for take-off, I strapped myself in. As the plane moved on the tarmac, I saw a distant dust storm brewing. I could hardly see the airport building anymore. It was then that I realized that the plane was moving due to the wind. It started drizzling and the downpour that followed was something I have never seen in my almost 23 years of existence. The winds were strong and the plane rocked to and fro. Finally, we managed to leave and reached Mumbai after a moderately turbulent flight.

A friend met me at the Mumbai airport, and thankfully so since I had no idea about how the city worked and had to make my way from the airport to my hotel at Marine Lines. An hour later I had freshened up at the hotel and was on my way out for a cheap dinner. I love trying out new things and was adventurous enough to take a bite out of bheja fry. Not too exciting a dish, I decided to stick to my bhuna chicken! A brief walk to the Taj and the Gateway of India made my day and I was dropped back to my hotel to retire for the night.

The next day was important and I was jittery as I woke up. A quick bath and after getting ready I headed down to the hotel coffee shop for breakfast which was an impressive spread. I reached the office early and waited around for a bit until it was time for my presentation, which went off pretty smoothly. I then caught up with the other interns who had spent their summer in Mumbai. From Churchgate I then headed to Bandra, all alone on a Mumbai local train. Met up with my friend again and went to see the boutique he is opening with a designer friend. A little bit of shopping and a lunch later I was on my way back to Churchgate to change and head for the intern party. With the bank’s biggies at the party along with us interns, it was a great do. We even managed to catch the Australian band Taxiride at the club we were at!!! I had initially thought I’d feel awkward around everyone since I was the only one outside Mumbai for the summer. But nothing like that happened. I got along really well with everyone and am happy to say that I am “richer by the dozen”. I have 12 more friends to my credit!!!

The next day I spent 5 hours at the Mumbai airport listening to announcements over announcements of my flight being delayed. I did get to eat a “batata vada” at the airport though!!! I’m now back home, making the most of the 10 days I have here until I get back to L. I still haven’t got my stipend yet and will be heading to office tomorrow to get that and some reimbursement done. Funny thing is, after the bank having treated me so well, the contrast shows in how my boss still expects me to be in at work early on Monday morning. She has no clue about my project and is not really bothered by the look of things. But I had a good time in Mumbai, and the title of this post describes how I feel of the entire summer episode. I’ve broadened my view and have realized that the people at the bank are great. The interns, the alumni from L, their colleagues, the senior management, everyone is really nice. A bad apple here and or there is inevitable, and it was just my luck to have been subjected to that. Don’t judge a book by its cover; you never know what’s inside.

Ray Of Light???

2006-05-01T04:12:00.000-07:00

Met with my boss to discuss my project. Woo hoo!!! I have a tonne of deadlines and deliverables staring back at me from the notepad on my table. I'm suddenly on a work high. Most of the stuff is reading up on articles and stuff. But I ain't complaining. I finally have a smile on my face. I hope this lasts!!!

Out Of The Frying Pan, Into The Fire

2006-04-30T21:08:00.000-07:00

And I thought the initial couple of weeks was bad. My boss is finally here. Thank the lord!!! Or maybe not...

What started off as something to look forward to has now become something I wish had never happened. 2 weeks ago my real boss joined the bank. She was introduced to me as part of the induction "walk around the office". Later she returned to speak to me. I was pretty happy that she was involved as she told me that she already had something for me to do. "Live work!!!", I thought. But that was far from what it actually was. The week that followed was a nightmare.

My boss had a presentation in Bombay to prepare for. A powerpoint presentation had to be sent prior to her departure from Delhi. As she was busy socializing and finding her place in the organization, I was dumped with the dirty work. But I didn't complain. I was getting an opportunity to learn about 3 more sectors than my project would have allowed me to. In addition to Telecom, I was assimilating information on Energy, Metals and Mining. My boss wanted me to prepare not only the presentation, but also documents for each sector which she could read up on and make the presentation. All fair enough. Until she began to criticize everything I did. When I prepared the documents in bullet points, she complained that she wouldn't know the background. I redid the work and presented reports. She complained that there was too much to read and that she wanted bullet points. And she pretended as though she had no idea that that was exactly what I had done previously. As far as the presentation went, I stuck to the format that had been sent from Bombay. That didn't satisy her either. She told me to ignore the format and make my own (which she would later not like).

Instead of commending me for the amount of information I had found and collated for her, she would find insignificant data missing. She was rude and would look for opportunities to yell at me. While looking at her target figures, she asked me to convert a figure from US dollars to Rupees. I did that and she said I was wrong. I checked my calculations and told her that I wasn't. She started yelling, saying that I had no idea what I was doing and that I had made a mistake. I asked to do it herself and check. Well, she realized that she shouldn't have shouted, but no apology was forthcoming. Ok, perhaps I'm asking for too much. I'm nothing much but a silly intern. Certain portions of the presentation regarding sales strategy and stuff like that were out of my purview. She said she'd give me information to insert in those areas. But when the time came for that to happen, she wanted me to "jot down my thoughts" and discuss them with her. How the hell am I supposed to know her sales strategy?

But what really got my goat was when I realized that she thought I was her secretary. Requests flowed in from her end which covered stuff like checking airlines schedules, booking tickets that had errors in them, and the icing on the cake - chauffeuring her around Delhi. The weekend was made worse by her constant messaging on my phone and calling me up at odd times, even when I told her I was not home. She was able to access the internet at home, but wanted me to look for information that she needed. Calls kept coming - during lunch, when I was driving, at dinnertime, at midnight!!! On Monday morning I was asked to come early. Giving myself a good 45 minutes for a half hour journey, my luck failed me and it took me over an hour to get to work. The phonecalls continued. I got really cheesed off, reached office and when my boss began to yell, I yelled back telling her how the work she had given me was not a part of my project. She looked at me as though she had no idea that I even had one. Then she began sermonising about how my attitude was not right from a long term employment perspective and how she had not been informed of the project.

After having given me a piece of her mind she realized that her presentation would go down the drain if I refused to do it for her. She then came to my room and was sugary sweet, calling me sweetheart and what not. She was nice to me the whole day as I worked on her presentation. Once it was done, she called a friend to take a look at it. While her friend gushed over it, my boss almost took credit for it until she realized that I was sitting right there with them. Then she managed to spit out some praise for me. But what made me feel nice was when her friend popped in later to tell me how I had done a good job and how she wanted me to look for some information for her.

Boss left that evening for Bombay. I have seen her now, after a whole week of no work. She came to my room 10 minutes ago to ask me to "jot down my thoughts" which we would discuss for half an hour in the latter half of the day. She wants me to pull out information from other banks with the help of friends working there for the summer. I wonder how she'd feel if someone asked me to provide them with information from this bank. She wants me to go out and meet people from service providers. In the Delhi heat, that is the worst thing that could happen to you, but I ain't complaining. Atleast I get to stay away from this office.

Life has felt useless for the last month. Is this what being a management intern is all about? Did I expect too much from this miniscule internship. Half of the internship is over, and I am yet to begin my project. Why the hell does my boss keep asking me to "jot down points" which we can discuss later???

The Internship From He(L)l

2006-04-15T04:21:00.000-07:00

I was excited out of my senses about my summer internship at one of the world’s largest banks ("the world’s local bank", to be precise!!!). It began quite well with me shuttling from L to Delhi first. I took a flight, a luxury permitted only because the bank was paying for it. Instead of reaching Delhi at 8:30 in the morning, I reached at 12:00 noon thanks to delays and congestion at the airport. Another 24 hours later I was back at the airport boarding my flight to Mumbai. The bank required all trainees to troop down to their training centre at Mumbai (Bandra) for a 2-day Induction Program. Out of 13 interns, I was the only one placed at Delhi while the others were working in Mumbai. The odd one out, I was put up (on the bank’s expense again) at a nice cozy guesthouse in Bandra. All this time I felt quite important about myself. After the 2 days of pretty useless training, I left Mumbai with a few cursory friends and huge expectations.

I reached Delhi at midnight and prepped myself for work the next day. My office is about 45 minutes to 1 hour away from where I stay. Office officially starts at 8:30. I diligently reached 5 minutes early, only to be greeted by a deserted office. The guard told me to wait at the reception. An hour later I was still sitting waiting for the person I was to report to. I decided to be a little assertive and approached the first man I saw in formals. He passed me on to another person, who was excited to see me as he is an alumnus of L. I thanked my stars as he gave me a workstation to sit at and advised me to read up on my project. He even handed over a book about the bank’s business in the area I am working in. I had my laptop; they provided me with a lan connection. Other than emails and chat software being blocked by the firewall, I had complete freedom to do what I pleased.

It’s been a week now since I joined the Delhi (oops, Gurgaon) office. I have nothing to do. My project guide is non existent. She is not yet an employee of the bank and will be on board next week. I guess she’ll take about a week to settle in and that makes 3 weeks out of my 8 weeks of internship absolutely useless. Add to that the fact that I feel like a liability at this place. No one is willing to guide me about my project for fear that my actual guide will want other deliverables. I have been pushed and shoved from one vacant workstation to another and have finally ended up in a small conference room by myself in one corner of the office. I don’t think anyone notices when I come or leave. I don’t even think they’re bothered. 2 days ago, the security guard of the building refused to allow me to park without authorization. I brought up this issue at work and all they did was shrug their shoulders, refuse to authorize my car (because there weren’t enough parking spaces for themselves) and told me to fend for myself. Today I parked at a shopping centre close by and walked down to the majestic building I call my office. Lunch is another thing that is not provided here. I bring my lunch from home and have to heat it up here in the pantry. Today some random guy, from the systems department I presume, came over to my room to "order" me to disconnect my computer from the lan. He was the same guy who configured my laptop so that I could access the internet, but today decided that my machine was not authorized. I told him I’d need a PC to work on and he told me that could happen only after my boss submitted a written request. Surprise!!! My boss isn’t here yet!!! The people here are weird too. I have barely spoken to 4 people (2 are alumni from L, one is the dude I was supposed to report to on my arrival, 1 is a lady I am supposed to ask for help, though I don’t really get any). Everyone else looks at me in a condescending manner, including the man who sits in the pantry the whole day. While coffee is being served to everyone, I am conveniently avoided. While everyone’s food is heated for them, I have to do it myself. I am not averse to doing things on my own, but a little bit of politeness can’t be too much to ask for.

People may say that all this is part-and-parcel of a summer internship. But I beg to differ. There are 2 more interns here. However, they are not here through campus placements, or even through official channels. They know people who know people who know people at the bank. Their mouths fell open when I told them I was from L and were even more surprised to hear that I was getting a stipend. But all that is in vain when it comes to treatment. Because they know people here, they have workstations with PCs and seem to be doing some concrete work. While I come at 8:30 and do not leave before 6:30 at least, they saunter in after 10 and leave at 5. They work 5 days a week while I hang around for 6. In the end, I think they got the better deal. They have no PPO to run after. They can do as they please. Even if there was a PPO for them, they would most definitely get it the way they got the internship in the first place.

I don’t really think I want to work at a place like this. For all practical purposes I am an employee here. Never would I recommend this place to anyone. I’m rethinking the PPO myself. I may rather slog my way through next year and put myself through the ordeal of sitting for final placements. PCOM are you listening???

Age 22, And I Still Play Tag

2006-02-19T04:18:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine (Inverted Moron), "tagged" me a while ago. It's about time I took note of it and acted upon it.

Now, this is no laughing matter. Blog tagging is serious business... ;) Ok, so here goes. The rules to this game are (stolen from my tagger's blog: www.watzcooking.blogspot.com):

1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different points of their perfect lover.
2. Need to mention the sex of the target.
3. Tag 8 victims to join this game & leave a comment on their comments saying they’ve been tagged.
4. If tagged the 2nd time, there’s no need to post again.

With my teeth in nervous chatter I plunge:

Sex - Male, for sure!!! Atleast for now!!!

1. A great sense of humour - To always keep me smiling

2. Height and looks - Me being 5'6", he should be tall enough for me to wear heels and not tower over him! And he should be nice looking, not necessarily a "hunk".

3. Sensitivity - Yes yes, we women like sensitive (read NOT OVERSENSITIVE) men!!!

4. Space - So that we can both breathe

5. No double standards please!!!

6. A great cook - For those breakfasts in bed...

7. A sense of style - so that he dresses well and likes to see me do the same!!!

8. The most important and the most obvious - he should be great in bed!!! ;)

So there you go, it's out in the open. The 8 points I look for in my ideal lover. Be warned that this is not an exhaustive list. I wonder if he's out there somewhere reading this right now!!!

Poetic License

2006-02-15T06:09:00.000-08:00

ALIVE

A smile upon my face you see
A twinkle in my eye
You wonder what the secret is
Why do I feel so alive?

It's still an uphill climb ahead
But now the atmosphere has changed
I hold my head up high again
No more am I locked in chains.

The end is not yet in sight
The anxiety is killing me
But I believe in myself
As I walk the path to victory.

My feet are firmly grounded now
The road ahead is clear
A new leaf has finally been turned
I need not shed another tear.

A smile upon my face you see
A twinkle in my eye
You wonder what the secret is
Why do I feel so alive?

Prerna Kapoor

2nd February 2006

A Month And A Half Ago

2006-02-15T04:53:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes...I know it's late. But I'll narrate my New Year's Bash anyway. I'll keep it short though.

5 girls (including my sister and a cousin) and "Smoochie". A huge farmhouse on the Delhi-Jaipur highway. 700 people. A DJ who played decent music. Unlimited drinks. Not too much of an entry fee. And a curfew of 2 a.m. What more could we have asked for? The perfect combination for a party. Add to that the fact that the only opportunity I got to visit the loo was with 5 strangers (4 women and a guy!!!)!!! Well, in celebrating the spirit of everything "new", I had a blast!!!

I'm just glad I decided to go out that night. I haven't really been a "party person" all these years. But I think it's about time I put my dancing shoes on!!!

Coming Back To Life

2006-02-12T05:44:00.000-08:00

So many ways to interpret this phrase. So many things it means in my life. All I can say is, I finally am coming back to life...

Silly Me!

2006-01-07T01:57:00.000-08:00

Trust me when I say I have a sheepish look on my face as I write this post. It's been a week and I haven't had the courtesy to wish you all a Happy New Year. I hope this year brings you joy, luck and love.

Coming soon...my New Year Bash!!!

Friends To Lovers

2006-01-06T20:38:00.000-08:00

Vice versa...

Tearin' Up My Heart

2005-12-27T04:34:00.000-08:00

There are some things I will always regret in my life. But the worst thing I could ever do is hurt someone. But it seems like I end up doing it all the time. Honestly, I'd rather hurt inside than see someone close to me going through hell because of me. Forgive me (you know who you are) for this was the only thing I could have done. It's better than me lying to you...

For The Little One!!!

2005-12-25T01:22:00.000-08:00

This one is dedicated to the “little one” at home. It’s been a while since I sounded even a wee bit happy. Well, here it comes. I have 2 exams left and about 3 days left until I get back home. The run up is awesome. I talk to my family almost everyday, something that doesn’t seem sensible during the rest of the term. This time my cousin sister’s over from Australia, and that makes it even more exciting. The measly 7 days I get is never enough and I end up wanting more. The catching up and the making up for lost time is wonderful. While everyone at home wants to go out shop and eat outside, I’d rather stay home and absorb everything to pull me through the 3 months I’ll be away. It’s quite a scene at home when we try to arrive at a compromise. But then, what family doesn’t fight. It’s fun sometimes, and I miss it!!!

Summer is right around the corner. And by that I mean there are 3 months left. That’s not too long considering it’s one whole academic term. Enough stuff to keep one busy. I haven’t really heard from the company I’m doing my internship at. So I have no idea where I’ll be this summer. I so want to be home, something unimaginable 3 years ago.

Well, I better get back to studying for tomorrow’s exam. The last mile is the hardest!!!

P.S. Doodle, tell me if this one’s ok. Your wish is my command, you big bully!!! Nah, kidding! I love you little girl!

In The Middle Of It All

2005-12-23T08:43:00.000-08:00

End term exams going on. Found this in the library. Was intrigued. Had heard about it but never knew what it was about. So here I am, all set to start reading with 4 more papers to go. Why aren't my textbooks as interesting as books like these???

The Countdown Continues

2005-12-21T06:58:00.000-08:00

It's official!!! 1 week to go!!! Yippie!!!

Look What I Found!!!

2005-12-20T04:05:00.000-08:00

While going through my posts I found one saved as a draft. I wonder why I didn't publish it. Will always remain a mystery to me. While I ponder about the mysterious occurrence, you go ahead and read what I almost lost.

"Back To Square One"

June 17, 2005 4:54 pm

Guess who's back...back again!!!

It's been a week since I got back to L. After a dream weekend with my family on campus, it was time for me to face the the storm alone. And that is exactly what I'm doing right now. The weather here is calm and scorching, but also stormy at the same time. With a smile on my face I look as though I don't have a worry in the world. But the real story always unfolds behind closed doors. Thank God for my hostel room!!!

Numb

2005-12-20T03:44:00.000-08:00

Linkin' Park does a great job of expressing what I feel like every single day at L. By the way, awesome song too!!!

NUMB

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
And I knowI may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

[Chorus]

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Mama I'm Comin' Home

2005-12-16T01:47:00.000-08:00

12 days left. Need I say more???

Am I a Misfit?

2005-12-10T04:56:00.000-08:00

When I look around me I wonder whether I will ever fit in. And no, this is not about me having an inferiority or superiority complex.

Let's start at the beginning - School. I had my usual group of friends. We'd occassionally meet up over a weekend, usually for a movie and lunch. As we got older, these turned into late night parties. I'll be honest when I say that I didn't attend many of these. Perhaps this was one reason why I ended up on the periphery of the friends circle. Another reason I can attribute my diminishing presence on the social front was that I realized how important academics was at that time in my life. I'm proud to say that I balanced my studies with my social life, not overdoing or underdoing either of them. This was something nobody seemed to be able to digest. For them, it was one way or the other. The party goers were not more than average in studies and the studious ones were loners. I got stuck somewhere in the middle and lost my friends.

College came next. I did extremely well in school by the end of it all and got into the best college for my choice of subjects. This was a totally different world for me. Having grown up in a coeducational school, a girls' college took some getting used to. I enjoyed every moment of it though and have made few but long lasting friends there. Here, too, there were times I felt I stood out. Be it elections for the Students Union or studying for the CAT or even taking up dance and french in addition to the workload I already had. Add to that a boyfriend I had for 4 years. Again, it all paid off and I got into L. I won't lie and tell you that I was thrilled. I was definitely disappointed, but "something's better than nothing".

The next chapter of my life is the one that led me to write this blog anyway. To be publicly embarrassed at L was more than I could take. To return has been harder than anything I have ever had to do. In fact, I doubt anything will ever be harder. I have worked my a$% off here and I still don't feel a part of this place. Sitting in one corner of my class, I feel like an outsider. My previous batch has reached far beyond me and I'm stuck somewhere in the middle of the 2 batches.

Again, I lose my identity in a crowd.

Free Time? What's That?

2005-10-06T06:08:00.000-07:00

10 days away from the grind is more than manna from heaven. I managed to get 9 whole days at home and they whizzed past as all good things do.

As I talk about home and realize that I miss my folks and my little sister, I can't help but rewind back to when this blog started. I hated home and anything even remotely related to it. But life works in mysterious ways and I count the days to when I can go home again. It's a combination of 2 soppy sentences I have heard time and again and have only now come to relate to. "Distance makes the heart grow fonder" and "The home is where the heart is" manage to capture what I feel right now.

I know it's been ages since I wrote. Honestly, I missed it. Many a times I was itching to write a post, but something or the other kept coming in the way. To justify my position, all I can say is that the 3 weeks preceding my end term exams were weeks with no holidays. The coveted Sunday was snatched away as extra classes were held. With not even a day's break before exams, I was exhausted by the time I reached back home.

But now that the term has just begun I am rejuvenated and can manage to salvage a little time to pen down my thoughts, feelings and experiences. With Summer Placements right around the corner and mid term exams following closely, I wonder how much time I will ultimately have.

But I'm not complaining. In fact, I enjoy the commotion and the skurrying around. As they say "An empty mind is a devil's workshop". Luckily, my time hasn't come yet!!!

What's Become of the World?

2005-08-10T09:21:00.000-07:00

I have an exam tomorrow, and am at a loss. A dilemma presents itself. Should I sleep or stay awake through the night? The latter will ensure that I am rested, but will also put an end to studying. If I choose to stay awake, it will result in anything but time well spent. Not a word will be assimilated.

As I sit staring at my computer screen I wonder where I am and why I try so hard. Life takes you to places you never expect to see. It's definitely a bumpy ride, and you can never get used to the journey. That's the bad part about it. As soon as you settle down and accept things for how they are, something comes and shakes it all up for you.

The most radical changes are usually seen in the people around you. Take, for instance, a certain professor who was feared last year. A mere 6 months down the line he was an angel. I was taken aback and as I came to accept and appreciate the man, things changed. The exam paper he set for us was disturbing to say the very least. But then, perhaps I'm biased. Another professor was known to be someone who thought out of the box. Sticking to the age-old education system was not what he seemed to believe in. However, as he teaches me this year, I can see that he is not the person I expected him to be. I don't have a personal frame of reference, but I think it should suffice that I've discussed the situation with people familiar with his teaching style.

But then one thing keeps bothering me. Have I changed too?

A Year Older, But Wiser?

2005-07-02T06:19:00.000-07:00

'Twas my birthday yesterday. I'm glad I got to ring it in the way I wanted. A nice and peaceful get together with the people I am closest to on campus. There was a little tension in the air between some friends. But it was all overshadowed by the fact that their presence there despite any personal problems meant the most to me. I was awoken from slumber to be greeted and wished by everyone at my door. I sorted myself as well as I could and made myself presentable. The cake, needless to say, was mindblowing!!!

The plan for the evening was to comprise of a quiet dinner with "him" and "the beard". That was cut short by a downpour and poor infrastructure (at a bakery!!!).

In the meantime, I've been trying to get my bearings right on campus (again!!!). Trust me, it's not easy being me. I have unsuccessfully juggled being with both batches. It's so much easier to pretend like nothing's changed and that I'm still a part of the batch of 2006. But as I see my new batchmates around me it finally hits home that they're the people I'll be studying and interacting with for the next 2 years. So I take a deep breath and make an effort to be a part of them. I give up somewhere down the line and slip back to square one. That's not the way it's meant to be.

Strength

2005-06-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

I met an old college classmate online last night. It's been 2 years since I spoke to her. I believe that everything that happens does so for a reason. Last night's chance meeting has left me stunned.

We were not very close in college. In fact, we barely ever spoke. I think we knew each other only because of the fact that we were in the same section. Honestly, I don't know all the girls in the other section. Thankfully, I knew everyone in mine. With about 35 girls in my class, I was close to only a handful. The friend I met last night had to retake the 2nd year in college. So, after studying together for 2 years, she went on leave. While I attended college in my final year, she stayed at home and studied. She rejoined after I graduated last year. I met her a couple of times in the vague visits I made to college to collect my marksheet and documents. It was nice to see her, but it left no lasting impression.

Last week I received a forwarded mail to an online group that I have subscribed to. While scrolling down the window I came across a few familiar names. I saw this girl's name there and added her to my messenger list immediately. Little did I know that she'd surprise me beyond belief.

She came online last night and as we caught up on our lives, I was left astonished. Not only had she picked herself up and moved on with her life, but she worked like hell and is now on her way to IIM Indore. The one year lost in between has been forgotten and she has more than redeemed herself. Strength is what I saw in her yesterday and I can truly saw that I have learnt something from someone. Inspired, I have realised how trivial my situation is. Instead of complaining and running down the system, I should channel all that energy into something fruitful. So L, it's about time I arrived!!!

The One That Scared Me

2005-05-31T04:10:00.000-07:00

Ayn Rand terrified me as a child. The size of her books with the tiny print seemed like an invitation to hours of boredom. But now, having thoroughly enjoyed Atlas Shrugged a few months ago, I am ready to devour The Fountainhead. Surprisingly, I studied excerpts from Rand's books in my final year in college. Economics does expose you to a lot of good writing!!!

Rethinking My Choices

2005-05-29T04:09:00.000-07:00

Probably the 1st anti-war novel I have read, I'm astonished at how much I'm enjoying this one. Perhaps my decision to stay away from this genre of books was a bad one.

Not Bad At All

2005-05-28T21:58:00.000-07:00

Food, drinks and friends...what more do you need to make a party worth attending? And last night there was plenty of everything. The place was great ("he" and I would like to take credit for that!!!). The people were awesome. So finally some doubts that I had can be laid to rest. I missed "the beard" though. I wish he was there with us. I'll see him in less than 2 weeks now and I can't wait.

Ok, I'm going off on a tangent now. Back on track. The way I am, I would have mulled over the party for the next few days and then ended up writing about it once it had lost it's charm. But thanks to a new friend, I decided to do it now itself. In hindsight, it's not such a bad idea after all.

I think I'll start with the complaining bit first, so feel free to skip this paragraph. The music was bad, and was extremely loud. The music system was screwed up. The lights were turned off in between and I have no idea why that was done. Astonishingly, it was done just as everyone decided to grab a plate for dinner. Hmmmm...that makes me wonder about what was actually served. Alright, I realized I went too far. The food was good. But the one thing I really didn't enjoy was the "Intro" Session. Prior to that everyone was mingling and talking to each other. As soon as the microphone was brought in, the energy level in the room dipped to a low. It wasn't as much fun thereafter. Hard luck...but who am I to complain...I get to spend the next 2 years with these people and thankfully I'll get to know them without them dancing to "maar daala". By the way, I enjoyed the rendition!!!

I heaved a sigh of relief as I sauntered around the room last night. I hate the fact that I have to go through the process of making friends again. Don't misinterpret this. I enjoy meeting new people and making friends. So you can imagine how relieved I was to see normal people at the party. I ended up talking to quite a few, and I had a nice time. I'm not all negative anymore. Most of them seemed down-to-earth, which is great. Looking foward to the Rems now!!!

Party Time

2005-05-28T01:10:00.000-07:00

Today's the day of the Alumni-Freshers Party. Someone with very bad taste decided to call it "Milaap". I think it's a very very corny name, and the idea of universalizing it is cornier. But everyone's entitled to their opinion, and since I don't enjoy the importance of deciding such things I might as well satisfy myself by speaking my mind.

The last meet was at Dilli Haat. That was more of an informal do. For the seniors it ended up being a reunion more than anything else. And the freshers seemed very overwhelmed by the whole idea of being associated with L. It was cute, though. I remember being tongue-tied the first time I stepped into campus. I had not had the privilege of being invited to the Party last year, so I knew noone there. Basically, I started from scratch.

I hope tonight ends up being more interactive than the last get-together. I'm signing off now to decide what to wear. I'll be leaving in about 3 hours. Is that enough time to decide? Honestly, there's never enough time, and I invariably end up feeling that I should have worn the other outfit/s I'd decided on. As they say - "WOMEN!!!".

Fasten Your Seatbelts

2005-05-26T03:50:00.000-07:00

The time has almost come for me to set foot in L again. Will I meet the devil again, or will I manage to escape unscathed? Watch this space for updates!!! 2 weeks left...

A Retraction Perhaps...

2005-05-24T05:20:00.000-07:00

In view of the reactions I have received from people who have read my blog, I want to clarify that my posts have nothing to do with weakness of character. In fact, I've been bold enough to remove the veil and express what I feel inside. I know there are many others who have shared my misery and who may prefer to keep things to themselves. I am proud to say that I possess the strength to carry me on. There are always moments of weakness and vulnerability, but the real courage is seen in getting through it all and accepting their presence in your life. As I've said before, I have nothing to hide. Through this blog you'll get to see every side of me, even my weak one which I am not in a hurry to conceal. Sometimes your moments of weakness are your strongest...

It's About Time

2005-05-24T03:49:00.000-07:00

On my desk I have a calendar that has a different thought for every day of the year. Some make sense to me and some don't. Today's entry is awesome. It says, "Never confuse a mere bend in the road with the end of the line". Perhaps a change in perspective is what I needed, and the saying is appropriate for my situation. No more will I whine about my predicament. Instead, I will attempt to look at things around me from the "half-full" angle. Let the optimism begin!!!

Nothing Remains Hidden

2005-05-23T22:46:00.000-07:00

Below is a post I'd written about a week ago. Unsure about whether I should publish it or not, I left it as it was. Since I am an open book, I guess it's only right to publish that as well. So here goes...

"Liability

Have you ever felt like a burden? Well I have. I still am. I'm a liability for the people around me. What do I have to give to them? Nothing. They've given me the world, their lives. And all I have ended up as is a scavenger."

A Higher Power

2005-05-23T22:30:00.000-07:00

Do I believe in God? This is a question I have still not been able to answer. Like most people, I'd remember God in times when I needed Him the most. But as I grew older I realized that I was being mighty selfish. What was to happen when life was smooth sailing and I didn't need to pray for help? Did I just ignore him? Unfortunately, I answered "yes".

So I decided to pray everyday. Atleast that way when I needed help and guidance it wouldn't seem selfish. But this itself was inherently selfish. It was then that i battled within me to figure out whether I believed in God or not.

Frankly, I still don't know. I do believe in the presence of a higher power. Many people prefer to call that God. I, for one, prefer not to give it a name. As long as I believe in the existence of that something, I feel somewhat secure.

Perhaps what I'm talking about is not present and has been conjured up by the human mind. As a species we may prefer not to take responsibility for what happens in our lives. We may not want to acknowledge the fact that we are the sole reason for whatever turns our lives take. Believing in an invisible entity could be our way of shifting responsibility and enabling ourselves to point the accusing finger at someone, someone who cannot point it back. By believing in God, we are absolving ourselves of all blame.

But we still seek solace in that higher being, that being that I cannot give form or a name to. I too believe that I am being watched over.

Is This The End?

2005-05-15T23:20:00.000-07:00

I feel like I've arrived at a dead-end. It's felt like this for a long time now. Earlier I'd backed up and tried another route, perhaps a way out. But I'd end up at the wall again. I tried various combinations to escape, but I invariably landed up a the place I was trying to run away from. So I decided to face it. And then I walked right into it. I banged my nose first, and that hurt. So I jumped at it headlong. I rammed into it everyday. Sometimes I wished I'd break it down, and sometimes I wanted to walk through it, like magic. But I think most of the times I wanted to perish while trying to make it through. I'm down to my last ounce of energy and I don't think I can carry on anymore. I have a funny feeling that at a distance is a door. But I can't muster up enough courage to go the distance. This is the end for me.

Mood Swings

2005-05-15T09:35:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I could just burst. Everything inside me just screams to come out. And in an instant that feeling disappears. It recurs a while later, and so the cycle continues. What constitutes a mood swing and why does it happen? People close to me are aware of my volatile moods and the wide oscillations I experience. No, I'm not a bitch. I anger easily and am quick to cool down. To be honest, I'm better today than I was a year ago. The swings remain, but they have reduced in intensity. But all the same, there are times when everything around me is perfect, but I suddenly want to shout out for no reason at all. Mood swings? Or perhaps there's more to it. I think I'll ponder over this for a while.

It's Been A While

2005-05-14T06:29:00.000-07:00

Well well...I've been the epitome of laziness lately. Have been doing nothing at all. I burnt 2 cds with songs. And am now more obsessed than ever about Neopets. If you want to take a look, jump to neopets.com. I have a pet unicorn. And ya!!! If you want to join up, be sure to tell me so. Please don't sign up without an invitation from me. I get cool stuff for doing so.

So ya, I guess you can gauge how bored I am. Can't wait to get back to L. I really truly hate the place, but that's a huge hurdle I have to cross before I move on with my life. Speaking of moving on, that's the hardest thing one ever has to do. I am not proud to say that I have a hard time getting over things. My mind works overtime anyway. And being idle is the worst thing that could happen to me. But here I am, twiddling my thumbs, with nothing to do at all. We yearn for a time like this, but I am hating it right now. I always wanted to take a break willingly. But this is the pits.

More later...

What A Day!!!

2005-05-01T06:46:00.000-07:00

One of my closest friends left India for Singapore about 2 years ago. She tries to come across once a year and we are constantly in touch. As a surprise move, she landed up in India a week ago. I met her today. In fact, she came home unannounced. Not that I care...I actually liked it. She brought along with her an old friend of hers. I know him too, so it was great. We caught up on old times and basically talked about everything under the sun. I desperately needed this change. Staying cooped up at home is depressing.

We went out for a nice, but expensive Italian lunch. I ate cheesy baked pasta and drank iced tea. I have to compensate for all that by eating minimal amounts of food in the coming 2 weeks. Maybe I'll move my butt and start going for walks. But the weather is back to being killing. The nice breezy weather seems to be a thing of the past now. Help me!!! My jeans don't fit anymore!!!

"He" Came!!!

2005-04-30T22:38:00.000-07:00

As luck would have it, "he" came to meet me. I didn't really expect him to land up. The distance is quite a bit to get up and come over on a whim. But "he" did!!! It was so wonderful. All my worries were gone. I was happy again. We went out for an hour or so. A long walk, the most brilliant thing I could have asked for. He left at dinner time, though most reluctantly for both of us. "He" met up with an old friend. I wanted to go too. But a family dinner was on the cards...

A month and a half more until we're together again, with no qualms about rules and other committments!!!

The weather outside is brilliant. No sun, and a cool breeze. I spoke to "him" on the phone. But I doubt there's any way we can meet up today... Let's wait and see what happens.

Ho Hum

2005-04-30T03:20:00.000-07:00

Long day...and it's only 4 o'clock in the evening. I was barely 2 kms away from "him" and yet couldn't meet him. "He's" not here next week. And that means we'll have to go a whole 3 weeks before we get to see each other again. I'm complaining simply because I find it silly that I'm restricted by rules at home. Ironically, the rules are implied. One can interpret them as one wishes. But with my luck, I always get screwed.

I was at my grandparents' place today. Aunt and cousin came along too. Did nothing. Slept prior to lunch while everyone else enjoyed each other's company. I barely ate anything for lunch. Nibbled on things. The diet's still on, sort of. And I choose not to eat when I'm sulking. It's my way of showing defiance. Post lunch I watched TV all alone. Am back home now...as bored as ever. I need to study, but can't find the motivation to. I want to read, but I'm feeling sick too.

"He" said he'd come home to meet me in the evening. I don't know how everyone will take it. "He's" more than welcome at home, but I know everyone grudges me even a little bit of happiness here. I may go out for a walk with "him", or maybe a cup of coffee sounds nice. Can coffee (minus the sugar and milk) make you fat?

I Feel...

2005-04-29T10:40:00.000-07:00

In a span of a few hours I'm back again. I guess this is the only place I can talk (in a certain sense) and not feel like I'm talking to myself. However, lately, I do feel like I'm slipping into some realm of insanity. Like right now, for instance, I feel empty. It's as though someone came and sucked the life out of me. I feel sick now just thinking about the state I'm in. My mind's drawing a complete blank and moving is torturous. I can see my bed from where I'm sitting. I can see the book I've been reading these days too. But it seems like too much effort to get up and go there. I want to read, but I can't. My head hurts and my eyes are burning and swollen up. Crying does seem to have a bad influence on the way you feel. I feel like I'm trapped...

Suffocation

2005-04-29T06:59:00.000-07:00

I've finally had enough. I'm almost 22 and I should be allowed to make my own decisions. Somehow that's not happening. I wanted to go out in the evening to meet up with my new batchmates. But my plan was thrown out of the window even before the details were brought to light. Thankfully, the plan was postponed to next week. But the person I wanted to go with won't be in town for that. So I guess I won't end up going.

Then, another plan was made. Lunch was meant to be out for me tomorrow. While my mother and sister spent the day at my grandparent's place, I was supposed to meet "him" for lunch. Yet again, my plan was trashed.

I've sat at home for almost 3 months now. I feel so wasted. The only genuine chance I get to go out for sometime is over the weekend, usually on a Saturday. I wanted to travel to Bombay to meet a close friend. He's someone who knows exactly what I'm going through, for he's being put through a similar misery. We're in it together. But they said I was "too young" to travel alone. Apparently I'm not old enough to take a 2 hour flight to meet a friend.

The funny part is that I don't seem to have any power in my life. I'm living my life on someone else's terms. And then people talk about having an "Identity Crisis"!!!

Spirit

2005-04-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

I finally got too tired to fight anymore. I'm not one to give up. But when all of them surround you and leave no way to escape, you have no option but to succumb to them. I did resist for a long time. Even when there seemed no way out. But they seemed hell bent on having their way. I ended up bowing my head to them. But not once did I admit that I was wrong, for I never was.

Well, here I am at home. I'm supposed to be "recuperating" but am far from it. I'm due at the Hell Hole in another 2 months. Am I looking forward to it? Ironically, I am.

Lyrics from one of my favourite songs remind me of a better time:

"When the going starts to get rough
And you feel like you've had enough
Let the music take control of your soul
Take a chance and do what you feel
You're a force they cannot live without it
You gotta break the chain yeah yeah
There's a passion inside
An inner strength that drives
Can't nobody take that away from you
It's the greatest high
You set the floor on fire
When you come alive"

I seem to have lost some part of my spirit the day I stopped dancing. I confess that I wasn't amongst the best they had. But I loved being there. For that little amount of time I forgot what or who was around me. Once the music played it was heaven. I've tried many times to match that atmosphere. But all in vain.

The other part of my spirit was lost when I had to cut short my life-long dream. In fact, I didn't really have to cut it short - prolong it is what I had to do. Either way...the damage has been done.

On Tenterhooks

2005-04-20T04:38:00.000-07:00

Well...the first question that you may ask about this entry is it's unusual name. Mine is not one that is self explanatory. So allow me to guide you through this.

As human beings we're always waiting for results. It's all a part of life. When we're in school and in college we anxiously await exam results. When we venture out of the education system and attempt to make a living, we are anxious about our next salary raise or promotion. Mostly, however, we lie in wait for a more lucrative opportunity to present itself. And the thread of anxiety continues throughout. When you fall in love - Will he/she? Won't he/she? When you get married and have a baby - Will it be a boy or a girl?

Basically, we live life on tenterhooks. We always wait in anticipation for what lies ahead. We are constantly awaiting the fruits of our labour (provided we put in any). So it seems apt for me to name my blog after an inseparable part of human nature. This is what we are, and perhaps this is what I'll end up presenting as part of my musings here. I hope you enjoy the ride!!!